I never actually saw that advert. Unless that was Tolly Boy Rice, who hired me to play a father of four.
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Despondency mouldered to resentment and desperation. I registered with every casting website going, checking every box in the skills section: unicycle, rat-trapping, playing the spoons. I was skydive-certified and spoke Swahili. They did their best, and I landed parts as a pick-up artist in Doctors, a smooth suitor in Emmerdale, a doctor in Coronation Street.
I took a picture of myself on set outside the Rovers Return. They serve real beer there, which apparently tastes better than any in the country, because they clean the taps once a week. But none of it was enough to survive on, and the fact that I was temperamentally unsuited to any of this was becoming harder to ignore.
For many, following the career path of an actor means temping on reception desks, working unpaid evenings and weekends in fringe shows for the exposure. It means never allowing yourself a holiday, on the off-chance your agent calls because there is a schools tour of Treasure Island workshopping at short notice and apparently you play the Northumbrian smallpipe, or so it says on Spotlight.
Hitting rock bottom can have a certain nobility, but my lowest points in acting were so absurd I was denied even this. A bulbous woman with a sprig of spiked hair was tipping towards me. Andrea ushered me towards a school table, introducing a woman with her hair pulled into a tight bun. I was anxious to make a good impression. They never did any more. Having landed a single line in a film, you stay up at night wondering how to deliver it with such magnetism that any producers watching will be whiplashed by the raw charisma of Man with Cup. In this I was successful, as it became apparent they were in a rush.
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Would you like to choose? I thrust my hand into the clump. There was a Playboy bunny, a radish with a mouth but no eyes, one that looked like Hitler. Gazing up at me from the floor, with its squashed approximation of a face, was a cock made of felt.
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This was a minefield. Wondering how to avoid the contempt payments that would surely be sought by the Whitman estate if they got wind of this, I settled on a monumental sea clam. Its umber body was corrugated with dun fur, parted by wavy lips and a vivid red interior. We like! I turned Esmeralda over, finding an operational cleft on her base, marked by an elasticated collar.
The lips were spongy, neither fully closed nor open. I rubbed my thumb and fingers, like a cartoon gangster demanding payment. I quacked my hand, turned it sideways. The overall effect was of something unspeakable struggling to be born.
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Esmeralda gurned and mashed her gums. I spun the mental Rolodex, imagining how a sea clam would talk. All I could think of was Davy Crockett but I had no idea what he sounded like, or even who he was.
A pirate? At least Andrea was smiling. Was this really what I was doing with my life? Let Esme! How long would they let this go on? Lady Garden? My brain felt like stretched-out putty. I saw, so obvious and yet too late, that I had my hand inside an anatomically exaggerated vagina.
Falling out of love with acting was a slow process of estrangement. Difficult to know when to leave, but fairly straightforward to know that I should. It boiled down to one question: how does this make me feel, most of the time? The limitations of this career, which I once found charming beyond reason, now struck me as simply unreasonable. One of the biggest laughs in the cinema was Josh Hutcherson's first appearance as the room's most peculiar character, Denny, goofy haircut and shirt intact.
It was also great to see that Ari Graynor and Jacki Weaver, playing Juliette Danielle's Lisa and Carolyn Minnott's Claudette from the movie respectively, are portrayed as strong willed and thick skinned people who nobly put up with some of the worst working conditions for an actor imaginable. No water or air conditioning combined with gratuitous belly button sex would have probably broken others but they soldiered on.
Overall it's a hilarious and genuinely moving account of an insane true story. It softens the darker edges a bit too much and I would have loved it to have included some even crazier parts of the book that didn't make the cut but what we're left with is still an excellent and enjoyable movie. Enjoy a night in with these popular movies available to stream now with Prime Video. Start your free trial. Find showtimes, watch trailers, browse photos, track your Watchlist and rate your favorite movies and TV shows on your phone or tablet!
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- United States Army, Technical, Technical Bulletin, U.S. Army, TB 1-1520-237-20-256, Plus 500 free US military manuals and US Army field manuals when you sample this book!
- BA (Hons) Acting.
- A Far Cry...From Home: A Mothers Journey of Love, Loss and Healing...Through the Eyes of an Angel?
Official Sites. Company Credits. Technical Specs. Plot Summary. Plot Keywords. Parents Guide. External Sites. User Reviews. User Ratings. External Reviews. Metacritic Reviews. Photo Gallery. Trailers and Videos. Crazy Credits. Alternate Versions. Rate This. When Greg Sestero , an aspiring film actor, meets the weird and mysterious Tommy Wiseau in an acting class, they form a unique friendship and travel to Hollywood to make their dreams come true. Director: James Franco. Writers: Scott Neustadter screenplay by , Michael H.
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